The Goddess Blog

So, school starts Monday. Sucks, eh? That's.. uh.. I'm going to be AT school in...32 hours! Oh my gosh!!!! *cries* I really don't want to go, you can't understand how much I mean that statement. Yes, in some ways I am looking forward to it. Like, the first day of school is always.. you know, it has that feeling. I'm just not ready for the WORK part of school. I love being lazy. And by lazy, I mean working my ass off on Dance Dance, or fighting and making up with my wonderful boyfriend, or playing Magic, or other such things. It doesn't even feel like it's time for back to school. I haven't even been BACK-TO-SCHOOL-SHOPPING!!!!!! *gasp!*
Everything's just so insane and messed up. I don't know what's going on. And my schedule on Edline isn't completed, so I don't know what the rest of my classes are.
I probably should be going to bed but I really don't feel like it. But, c'mon, it's my very last Saturday night of freedom. You know? And I want to stay up for it. Even though my boyfriend told me to go to bed early. Ha, I swear, sometimes he acts more like my father than my boyfriend. But, then again, I treat him like I'm his mom all the time, so I guess we're even. Relationships are the weirdest thing. And I realized something. The third month is the toughest. Atleast, it's the first big hurdle. Because my first relationship only lasted to three and a half months. That was the tough one, and we just weren't strong enough to withstand it. We weren't really right for eachother, either, so obviously.. And now I'm in my three and a half month phase with this, my third boyfriend, and it's really tough. We fight all the time for no reason, and I just don't know. But I think we're going to make it through. I can't really see us NOT making it through. And no matter how many times he says "Well why don't you just break up with me then!" and no matter how many times I may *think* about it, I just can't imagine that it would happen. I know that I am going to go back to school and he will be there with me. And I know that next week at lunch he's going to be sitting with me. It's just kind of...a given, I guess. It's just the way things have to be. I love him too much to allow myself to think that it can be any other way. And it doesn't hurt to think like that. Anyone that tells you it does, and not to get your hopes up, is f*in' retarded, because hope is all you have, right? WELL...that's not *all* you have, but it's one good thing. And lots of little good things add up to lots of good. So every little bit helps.
Okay, since my prayers for my boyfriend to go home and get online are not going to be answered, I guess I'll just go ahead and go to bed. Maybe. Eventually. I'll watch this ET celebrity weddings thingie and surf the net some more and THEN go...hah..
~Cj

Oh, my god. Wait, I already said that at the begining of my last post. Oh well. Anyway, you wouldn't believe what I just found out. My very own mother donated TWENTY DOLLARS to the MHHS Football Team!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!! Why?! A curse on all football players and cheerleaders! God damn elitest stuck-up shallow bastards and high-strung makeup-clad skin-baring fake-tanning bitches. Yeah, so I'm opinionated. So it's not the greatest way to live through highschool, but I don't give a shit. I'm going to be honest about how I feel. The football program has ruined our school system. We have changed our teaching methods to get money, not to teach better, as some believe. But why do we need this money? To support the football program. Why do the band kids hate band? Because of marching season, which is FOR FOOTBALL. There are schools in Canada (and I don't care how much you think Canada sucks, their school system is amazing) where there is no marching band, because there is no football, and if there is, it's just not that important. You know what their music program is like? In fourth grade they learn to play recorders, in fifth they learn the auto-harp, in sixth they learn the ukulele, and in 7th & 8th they learn guitar. Do you know what they do in highschool? They get to be in a band, and practice at school. There are different kind of bands, like a jazz band, or a rock band, or whatever, and there are also different bands for different grades. You can play the electric guitar, you can play the drums, bass, whatever. Like REAL music... All of this, and it's at SCHOOL. And no, not some fancy private school for the children of the rich and famous. A regular, normal public school. *sigh* Okay, I'm going to quit bitching about that. I have something else to bitch about.
My boyfriend and I had two kittens that we loved and cherished and so on and so forth. Now the girl that gave them to us has stolen them back, and refuses to return them. I called the police to inform them and ask what they could do. It turns out that if an animal is involved, it is, apparently, not considered kidnapping OR stealing. So I'm going to have to threaten them or something. I have to get my babies back...
*weeps for her missing children*
~Cj

Oh, my god! I don't know what to say but, whoa! All the sudden I feel a billion times less "goth" (woe-is-me-I-hate-the-world), and tons more optomistic! I mean, I can't explain how amazing this is. I always have times when I decide that 'oh why not, I guess I love my life', and so I tell myself that I do, but this is probably the first time in a LONG time when I can say that and genuinely mean it! Sorry, I'll calm down. I would be annoyed with me already if I were you. Whoever you are. You must be some sort of friend of mine if you're bothering to read this. Anyway, I'm happy. Can't you tell? It's fantastic. And the terrible thing is, I'm getting my report card probably some time today and then everything's over. My mom's going to be so pissed. But before that totally screws with everything, I'm going to enjoy this amazing mood. If anyone has any suggestions on how to keep a parent from grounding you over grades, besides just hiding the grades from them, or getting them changed, I'm open to anything you have to say. Everything's too new and wonderful and exciting to be locked up in the house away from anything fun. I'm working again at the pool, this past week I made about $20 and a new-used swimsuit that sells for around $60 new. The kids are a freaking handful but so much fun. This is the second time there's been an adorable tiny 3 year old girl that I've fallen completely in love with at the lessons. For those of you who go to the same school system as me, she's Mrs. Dotson's daughter. The great thing about her and the last one I had swim lessons with, Katie, is that they latch on to you and want you to take them out in the sun and usually pretty much refuse to let go unless they're able to sit on the steps. They're both so pretty and adorable and sweet, it makes me get all kinds of maternal feelings and want to have one of my own. As long as it would be a girl for sure then man, that'd be the coolest. But of course, that's out of the question. I'd have have sex to have a kid and I think we all know that can't and will not happen. (see post Sunday, July 06, 2003, 1:23 AM for more information) And you know how teenagers have this fasination with "love" and think they feel it all the time? Well, I'm admittedly a pretty typical teenager. I thought I'd felt it atleast twice before, though I always doubted myself. Do you have any idea how amazing it feels to be sure that you've actually found someone to feel that way for? Maybe I'm wrong, but if I am, then there really is no such thing as the-L-word. I..uh..gosh, someone just tell me to shutup. I really can't understand how you can spend 5 pretty much full days in a row with someone and not be sick of them, and still want to see them again, and adore every minute of it. Baby-doll, if you're reading this, thank you for everything, I don't know what I'd do without you. Please please forgive me for being so sappy, but I love you.
~Cj

Josh~ Since you're more than likely to get on here sometime tonight, and I'm going to bed in a little bit (mom's orders...blah.), I'll write for the hell of it. You know, we still need to play our game of strip-Magic sometime... ;) haha... you think I'm joking, but I do believe it would be lots of fun!! *ahem* Anyway... (maybe not, since I know you can beat me with that new deck of yours :|...) So, you know, not that I don't love being around you, because I do, but it kinda sucks being around you ALL day, and not getting any time alone with you at all. It's like...a teaser, or something. It almost makes me wish I was a whore like uh... some people... so I wouldn't mind if the whole world saw me making out with my boyfriend or not. That'd be cool. But then, on the other hand, I would be a whore, and that wouldn't be so great. Plus it would be REALLY easy to lose friends that way, since people tend to dislike having to watch that stuff.... I should know! Anyway...I don't think I have anything else to say... Except, everyone should go visit my other blog, drownedtheworld.blogspot.com, because it's really dumb, and stupid and stuff!!! Okay...I'm going to bed.. I think... after I set up this thing where you can respond to my blog posts...maybe.. yeah... if you get on, respond to this one for me so I can read it when I get up tomorrow...oh, and don't forget to read the post below this one, babe...
Night. *mwah*
~Cj

I love you too. :)

You know, there are times in your life when you realize that things have to change. And that it sucks, because --in my opinion-- change sucks. But, it must be done anyway.
God, how *hard* it is to MAKE yourself change things! It's painful, and takes work, and determination! Or just some sweet caring loving amazing person to help you through it... Whatever works for ya.
So, I served my week at my "job" teaching the kids how to swim. That was a huge learning experience, and I loved it. All the bad stuff about it was totally countered by the sweetness of the kids, and the sun and the water, and the money.. ;). (Minimum wage is very cool.) Laura had the brilliantest idea, next spring, when she and I are 17, we shall take the Red Cross course to get WSI (Water Safety Instructer) certified, and then next summer she and I will give swimming lessons together! Without an older person to direct us or anything...scary, hu? I hope we get to do it...I hope I pass the course :|... It seems really hard! I'm going to have to learn how to dive :S, and all the different strokes, and, uh, how to go to the bottom of the deep end, and...stuff. Yeah. But Laura says she'll teach me! :)
I layed out in the sun earlier and am feeling a bit dizzy, so I'll end my post here by saying, despite it's horrible downs here and there, life is good. For now, atleast. Let us pray that it stays that way.
~Cj

It's 1:15 in the morning and I can't sleep at all. Terrible thing is, I'm exhausted already from only getting 5 hours of sleep lastnight... I just kept tossing and turning, even moving to the couch hasn't helped. So, this is the last thing I can think of. I don't even have anything to say...
*sigh*
I guess I shall just turn into some zombie that never sleeps....And I really adore sleep, too, so it's a great shame I'm not getting any. Sleep, that is. Not, oh, well, just nevermind....
I shouldn't be on here at all. I have to get up at 7. That's 6 hours from now...UGH...I miss getting 13 hours of sleep a night!!!! *cries*
I've got way too much on my mind...
~Cj