The Goddess Blog

Okay, I think this will by my very last post on my blog from school. Or not, who knows, since I have to come to school next week (too many absent days), and maybe all there will be to do is get on the computer.
Anyway, right now we'll assume this is my last...Hmm..wonder if ebay is still blocked on the server. YAY! Everything's unblocked!!! *happiness* I guess mom wouldn't like too much if I bid on something from school w/o her permission...:(
Uh-oh, ebay got a hold of me and made it so I couldn't write in here. Damn addictive ebay.
Plus the teacher had me run an errand for her.
I haven't worn my ID badge at all today...and no one cares. Ha ha ha...
Owie, I feel...uh...sik. But I shouldn't, so maybe it's just my imagination. I hope so.
Okay, one min. to bell, I'm going to get ready to go see my people. *mwah*
~Cj

I survived my first day back to school after being away for...four days! Oh yeah! It was...uh, nice, and stuff. No really, it's weird. And today was like, our final work day of the year. Next three days are finals, then next week is the play week that you must attend or else you get counted absent, and I have so many of those that they'd probably end up making me appeal for credit. Plus they're going to be forcing us to work by moving the teachers from room to room, preparing for next year.
Eh, what else do I have to talk about. I'm still sickly, but getting better. I'm going to dye my hair again either tonight or tomorrow. Probably not tonight cause I've got a lot of studying to do. But it's not an exciting color or anything, just brown to cover up my icky orange highlights that are showing through...oh well, maybe it will look really cool or something. Ha, right...
Ya'know, I was really wanting to do pink this summer...but...there's this wicked bright red that I've wanted for ages...and my sweetie says it would look good on me...so maybe I'll sweet talk mom into that a couple weeks after school gets out. Yeah, like, a month after I've done this one, I'll ask, because it will have started to fade by then... And I'm likely to get it because I can pull the "well you were considering letting me do pink, and this is much more reasonable than that! it's a REAL hair color, for god sakes!" card.
I think the first thing I'm going to do with my new found freedom once school is out, is clean my room...No! Yes...I need to... But it will take WORK...Ugh...I dunno.
Work? No Work? Alls I know is that I'm not gettin' up early. Ahhhh, sweet sweet late nights and late late mornings. Like, get-up-and-eat-cerial-at-3-p.m.-late-mornings. Yeah, baby.
Charlize Theron is really hot. She was just on TV, that's why I said that, it just didn't come out of no where, I swear. But yeah, I'm adding her to my list. Most of you probably don't know about my list. Those of you who do, don't you agree??
*Cough* Ow. I hate being sick. *whines some more*
Chocolate gem doughnuts are good...They should be added to my other list...
I need to get working on my English essay, and then get to studying...so, this will conclude my entry for today. Oh and if you wanna read some really adorable stuff my 'puppy-dog' (;):P) says about me, go to: ecchiosaku.blogspot.com...he says some other intelligent things about other subjects, too, but I esp. love the things he says about me. *giggle*
~Cj

Okay, I just had an absolutely fantastic chart-topping day...despite my annoying cold. I'm a bit too tired right now to explain, and actually...there's no need for me to. Just that I'm in an amazingly happy mood. To you who was responsible for that, thank you bunches. *mwah*
I'm going to go watch SNL and work on some art now, kids. So, see you in the morrow...
(oooh, damn, I think I might be loosing my voice. *eep*)((Christina's singing Beautiful on SNL! sweet! *giggle*))
~Cj

PS~if you read that before 9:30 (which I really doubt you'll be up and on the computer in time for), then write me back at my gbook or something.
~Cj

Josh, I'm not sure if you'll read this today or not, but this is my best bet for getting any message to you from school, since I sure as hell ain't getting on MSN. First of all, why aren't you at school! *sigh* I thought I told you I didn't want you skipping any more...Classes, fine, I can't tell you what to do. But whole days? The year's almost over for gosh sakes!
Alright, really the reason I'm so upset is because I *really* needed to talk to you. Probably more want than need, actually, but still. Care interrogated me this morning about what was wrong and I wouldn't talk (partly because my throat hurts super bad and it's painful to talk) about it because I only wanted to talk to you. I think what I need is a shoulder to cry on. Or, someone to whine to atleast. That whole 'shoulder to cry on' thing isn't too far fetched, I feel like I'm going to break down and cry right here at my stupid library computer. And it doesn't help any that I got less than 6 hours of sleep.
We got home at midnight and I called you just Jeremy answered and he said you weren't there, and he sounded so tired that I let him go back to sleep instead of telling him to go get you...Then I got online to check my email really quick and I got fuckin' attacked by...well, who else could it be. (oh gosh, I hope he isn't reading this! *fakes being worried* that would be just awful!)
I'd rather not talk about it on here, so, yeah, I'll talk to you later about it. Hold on, the computer's being weird...
Okay, so basicly...just...meh. You should, like, call my mom at home and tell her you didn't go to school today and you miss me terribly so is there any way you could come with her to pick me up from school and then we could hang out and talk and...
As Ian would say on MSN:
*sad
Yikes, I'm pretty sure my wet hair and sitting directly under the a/c vent isn't helping my sickness any.
Babe, can we move far far away from here and never come back? I always thought I wanted to stay here forever, but...
:(
I think I'm going to stop writing in here now and go back to writing my english essay...then I need to work on some art. If I get all that done I might come back on and...post some poems on my site or something else as non-productive as that.
Hopefully I'll see you before the day is over. *mwah*
~Cj

*I wanna read good news good news, I wanna be innocent again, I wanna read good news good news, but nothin' good is happenin'*
~SoCo "Good News"

I'm so sick of everything...I've finally realized how stupid high-school really is, and how much I want to be out of here.
It's the end of the year, and everyone's begun to act like three year olds. Or maybe we always did, and I'm just now noticing it. Either way, it's annoying as hell. And that's just our giggly little sophomores and juniors.
Then there are the seniors, who are already gone, and still causing hell. Even those who have been out of high-school for a year or so. It seems as if people are having a hard time growing up. We have this huge problem around here with people thinking image actually matters in the real world. And no, I'm not talking about rich/poor, buisness-person/white-trash, caring-individual/bastard type image. The kind of image I'm refering to is the kind that 13 year old MTV-addicts constantly fret over. Every day you have to worry about what you wear to school, because if you do one thing wrong, you get called a poser.
SOMEONE, **please** explain to me what I am trying to pose AS??
I think we've gotten so wrapped up in this cliquey little term that we've forgotten what it really means. Obviously, a poser would be posing as something falsely, correct?
So, am I trying to be punk? Ohmigod, do I *look* like a fucking punk to you?! Do I listen to *REAL* punk music?! Have you actually ever heard me call myself a punk?? Negative. No to all of the above. Well, I guess that scratches 'punk' off my list of things I'm posing as.
How about goth? That's a commonly posed thing... Black hair? Never. Black nails? Sometimes, isn't it just the greatest nailpolish color ever? :) Dark eye makeup and lipstick? I'd wear more black eye makeup occasionally if I could, but unfortunatly mom won't let me out of the house with it on. I don't think real goths care what their parents think. Oh, and lipstick wears horridly on me, shiny girly pretty-flavoured lipgloss all the way! Black clothes? Sometimes, but not to excess. I'm wearing a white track shirt and jeans today for fucks sake. Um, attempted suicide? Heck no. Write in a journal and write horrible sappy 'I want to die' poetry? Eh, sure, so sue me. I like to write things. That's what comes out. If you don't like it, don't read it. Call myself goth? Nope.
Okay, so I'm not a goth or a punk...what else does that leave...Oh! I *must* be trying to be a trendy emo-kid! I mean, I cry a lot (mostly in the privacy of my own home though), and I write sappy poetry, and I listen to Dashboard and sappy/sad-love-ballads. I've even got a pair of perscription (*ahem*...and non-perscription...) emo glasses! Not like I wear those very much anyway, but I own them, so that's got to count for something. Tight cartoon vintage t-shirts? Nope, but damn those things are cool. Too lazy to go to a thrift shop and dig to find them (I'm sure certain people in our town have gotten them all anyway), and too poor to get on ebay and special order 'em. Oh, last but not least, I don't call myself emo. There was that one time...I think I had it in my screen name...and my site address name is emo2/courtney_janelle, but the only reason I picked that for my sub-header was because I made the site to put my poems on, and what's more "emo(tional)" than that?
Well, I think I'm done ranting...but, the point of this was, shut the hell up, I'm not posing as anything. If you can prove to me I've said I'm one thing that I'm not, then please let me know, and I'll stop doing that.
(and I'll stop using your made-up words if you ask me nicely)
People I don't even know on the internet (who can't take the time to spell out 'you' and 'are' and 'why' and 'for' and 'too' ['u' 'r' 'y' '4' '2'], and there's bcuz too, which really pisses me off) calling me a bitch.
People I only know because of the people I'm friends with calling me a poser and telling me how I live my life and what I'm doing wrong.
Do me a favor, all of you, leave me the hell alone, I don't need you, I don't want you, I'm going to live my life how I want to, and you can't do a damn thing about it. I'm sick of your shit, you're all one big pain in the ass.
Hypocritcal, elitist, immature, high-and-mighty, smart-ellic jackasses.
Call me when you've learned what it's like to be human. Until then I'll try to get by with ignoring you and living in my own little world...there's 2 or 3 of you at the most who I'll let into that little world of mine, you know who you are, and thank you.
I can't wait to get out of here. Out of this year of school and into summer vacation. Out of high-school completely. Out of this town and state, and maybe if I'm lucky, out of this god-forsaken country.
Maybe I'm being a little mellodramtic (EMO even!! *gasp*) but I'm just a TINY bit pissed off, please forgive me.
Now I'm going to go listen to my non-punk, non-goth, non-emo Something Corporate music, and try to work on some school work. (I actually care about my grades. How much more anti-emo/goth/punk can one get? Hah...whatta joke this all is. [hey babe, God Bless America, eh? *wink*mwah*])
Good luck to all of us, we're going to need it. Especially me...
~Cj

Oh, I forgot to mention, this class hour was fun, I gave my b/f one of my shirts before class, so I got his, and I decided to change into it right here at my computer. It's very comfy. :)
~Cj

I'm in Word Proc. again, just leaving a note for the hell of it, it's about 15 min. until class is over so I really need to get to work on my math...I've updated my site with one poem, and I went through all my files on my school computer to make sure everything was disposable (they clean the drives at the end of the year...blah). I've already listened to my Dashboard CD, and now I'm on my SoCo one...ah, the joys of an hour and a half class where all you have to do is play on the computer and listen to music. Oh, and...like, do...work, sometimes, if you feel like it.
Anyway, like I said, I better be going, so maybe I'll post again when I get home. Oh who am I kidding, how could I not?!
~Cj

Alright, what do I have to say today...
First of all, I'm putting off homework to be on here, just so you know. Not like you care...
I had a really really super hella good day today! Got home from the track meet yesterday at 3 thismorning, went to bed at 4 after being online, was woke up at noon by a phone call from my bestfriend, got online and talked to her boyfriend about tons of stuff and got some good advice, as usual...Got cleaned up, went and saw my baby at work, hung around there til mom got done grocery shopping, then he got off work and came home with me...
You know I've always found it very strange to bring someone into my home. I...I don't want people to not like where I live, you know? And if they say they do it's hard to believe them.
Anyway... when I was at the meet yesterday there wasn't a whole lot to do (inbetween video taping, getting soaked with a downpour, and looking at the double rainbow), so I made this huge list of my favorite things, and it's not even done yet... But, see, I think everyone should make one of these. It makes you realize what all you have to live for... And the little things mean the most! It's freaking amazing!! Hmm.. maybe I'll share a bit with you...
1) 11 p.m. peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
2) honeysuckle
3) the smell after it rains
4) vanilla lipgloss
5) listening to music with headphones
6) emo songs
7) acoustic guitars
8) pianos
9) antique stores
10) black nailpolish
11) bikini tops
12) smell of chlorine
13) walking in cool damp sand
14) swimming
15) winning at video games
16) staying online til 3 a.m.
17) sleeping until noon
18) new CDs
19) lucky songs on the radio
20) reading someone’s mind
21) having my mind read
22) clear blue eyes
23) deep soulful chocolate brown eyes
24) dark chocolate
25) white chocolate
26) Hershey’s Hugs
27) nice warm hugs
28) innocent kisses
29) giving back rubs
30) turning someone on
31) being turned on
32) green olives
33) pepperoni
34) pepperoni personal pan pizza
35) crying at movies
36) long bus trips
37) “Ed”
38) TV kisses
39) concerts
40) watching a guy play guitar
41) reading good lyrics
42) Sum 41
43) GlassJaw
44) Dashboard Confessionals
45) Goo Goo Dolls
46) Coheed & Cambria
47) Something Corporate
48) Thursday
49) Vanessa Carlton
50) old Britney and Christina bubblegum pop
There's a billion more, but I'll save them for later. I'm super tired and I don't feel like typing the rest out right now...Eh, I should go do some math. Or I could just go to bed...hmm...I really do need to do that math, though. Choices...God I'm so tired!! Screw it! I'll try to do it in the morning!
~Cj

I was sent into the library to type my poem for English class and I couldn't resist getting on here. Uh-oh, I do believe I've become addicted. Which is madness because I only come on here to talk about myself... Hm... maybe I should do something about that.
Here, I'll show you what I wrote, it's from a Georgia O'Keeffe painting called Train Coming In...
Her hand at her side
The other holding a handkerchief
Wiping a tear from her eye
An expressionless face
Other than the look she gives
Piercing straight ahead
Toward the train coming in
Her skin a blazing white
With the glare from the light
Guiding the way of
The train coming in
A crisp autumn morning
With dew on the grass
And smoke in the air
She had on her Sunday best
“Funny,” thought I,
“Isn’t it only Wednesday?”
A smile emerges from
Her bright rep lips
But quickly disappears
As she cautions herself
Against hopes too high
And the train coming in
Stops feet away
She waits patently until
Everyone has gotten off
And departed with loved ones
And she takes down her bun
And wipes more tears from her eyes
And goes home alone once again.
Meh, it's alright. Atleast my teacher liked it...she said something along the lines of: oh wow...that's...Courtney, you're good. this is great. congratulations. Sweet, eh?
I'm really having those terrible "I want to move out and live on my own" feelings. They're consuming and bothering. And...what else...oh geeze I dunno. I think I'm going to go back to class, there's only a half hour left to this period. Then I get to go to art, whoohoo... I would be done with this stupid project if my teacher wasn't so critical and let art be art instead of forcing art to fit rules and guidlines of an assignment. So I guess I'll be seeing yah (whoever the hell reads this) around! *mwah*from the girl who is NOT living proof of the saying "boys make passes at girls with glasses"...hmm.. maybe if they didn't look so emo.
~Cj

Eh, not much news. I'm in science class and I thought I'd sneak on the computer and do a little blogging for the hell of it. I saw Matrix Reloaded lastnight with my three favorite people. It was a great (but confusing) movie, I enjoyed it. (and I enjoyed being with my people as well!) Everyone should go see it...
There's this thing I'm supposed to go to tonight but I don't know if I will, because the person I want to go with will be out of town, and I don't want to go and have to see my ex alone w/o my b/f...
Class is starting, I've gotta go...
~Cj

So, right now I'm in my Word Proc. class and we're about to take our final exam. Remember when you used to have to...you know, paper and pencil to take a final? Not anymore! And it's so weird how you can just go to a web address and type in a login/password that the school has preset for you (using some kind of combination of your SS Number or another) and bam! there's your final exam, click begin, read question, click on right answer, go to next question, keep going until you get the the page that says: Here's your grade, kid, hope you just didn't ruin your GPA because you clicked on the wrong button!
I personally didn't get that message. (hey, you never know, someone who failed the test *could* theoreticly get a message like that. and if not, it's probably flashing through their mind anyway) I got a 90% on it, and I'm perfectly happy and proud with that. She even went through and checked my answers to make sure they didn't count something that was right as wrong. And, I think that raised my grade a bit...
Even if it didn't, no biggie, I have a great grade in here anyway. As you can see, typing is my thing, as are computers. How on earth could one be bad at something they're addicted to?
Now, I'm wondering if I should even bother with writing this thing every day. (haven't missed one yet, but I'm sure I will eventually) I mean, I bet not one person reads it. And why should they? It's not like I'm...INTERESTING, or anything! *gasp*
Oh, yeah, we're supposed to be doing work or something... eh, but I don't wanna. Hold on, I need to go check my grades. (which you can also do online. madness) Wowzers! I got a 94% on that math test I was so worried about! *grin* However, I still have an 86% in math. Which is very not good because there isn't enough time left to get that up. Gah...
Next grade, please. Alright, for this quarter I have a 96% in Interior Design, but my grade was so low last quarter (81%) that I *still* have a B for semester!! *cries* Nothing is going right. *gulp* But, I think I did really good on that final exam, and I don't think she's put that in yet, so I might still be safe.... :|...I hope.
Haha, sweet, I'm ranked second in my art class. :)
I think that's all that's been updated online...
So, classes that I have a B in: English, Interior Design, Math. I'm pretty sure I brought my Biology grade up with that 150/150. Isn't that awesome? It was a powerpoint presentation...My parter and I had to do it over West Nile Virus. It was somewhat interesting, but the point is, I had to get up infront of the whole class, completely by myself (my partner was at the computer running the presentation), and I *wan't* nervous, not ONE BIT!! AND she gave us a perfect score! And she wasn't just handing those perfect scores out for nothin'! Yeah... I'm really proud about that. I wasn't nervous...and I did pretty good...I knew my stuff...I'm so shocked, still.
I'm listening to SoCo and I swear to god they're a drug, they make me so happy. And I listened to All Killer No Filler in the shower thismorning, and I hadn't listened to that in ages, so it made me all happy. (*sings* Maybe when the walls are smaller there will be more space, maybe when I'm not so tired, maybe you can step inside, maybe when I look for things I can't replace, if you could be my punk rock princess, I would be your garage band king, you could tell me how you just don't fit in, and how you're going to be something, if I could be your first real heartache, I would do it over again, if you could be my punk rock princess, I would be your heroine *giggle* happy stuff!!)
I don't think I'm going to get to do stuff with my friends this weekend. They're all busy and I'm grounded. I hope I get to go to the show to help save Rhomis this Friday. Eh...I should probably go back to doing some work. Actually, START doing some work, I haven't even done that. Scratch that, I'm going to do math instead, it's more important. I think. Yeah, it most def. is more important.
Damnit, everything's important and I don't have enough time for any of it. *sigh*
I'm such a mess. I can't wait for summer...summer when there won't be school to worry about......summer when I'll see all my friends a lot less...and my baby's leaving for a month...and...*sad*
Alright, some day I'll be happy, just keep telling myself that, someday, it'll all be good.
It will all be a perfect pretty happy lovey SoCo song.
~Cj

Oooooh baby did I get in trouble yesterday/today! I don't even want to talk about it (then why did I bring it up, you say? well, because I want to bitch and to get your sympathy), I just have to say that... I hate getting in trouble. Okay, here we have me, completely (almost :P) innocent, I go out with my friends, I'm not going to drink, do drugs, steal, have sex, etc. How does my mom treat me? "I don't trust you and I don't want you to go, and if you do I don't want you out too late, and if you're not back exactly on time you MUST have been doing something bad..." Now, I have friends that are... well.. that aren't... you know. What about their mom? "Oh sure, go ahead, have a good time, don't get into too much trouble, don't be back TOO late!" And what does the kid go out and do? Oh, you know, get drunk, smoke pot, have sex, what have you.
And I swear to god my mom don't know how fucking lucky she is to have a kid as good as me! GAH!!!
Alright, I'm done bitching. I have to go do kind deeds for my psycho mother to get back on her good side. :@ <---MSN messenger angry face emoticon.
~Cj

Oh, and I just thought I'd mention that I recently got the John Mayer CD and I'm listening to it right now and it's just fucking beautiful. Simply amazing. And I don't care what you think, I said so, so it's true.
And I <3 SoCo. :D
"and words go from poetry to prose, would you want me when I'm not myself, waiting while I'm someone else, and I in time come around, I always do for you..." *John Mayer~Not Myself*
~Cj

Alright, I'm really fucking tired... Went to bed a little after 11:30 lastnight and had to get up 6:30 thismorning so my friend could come pick me up at 7:20 to go to school and try to learn Trigonometry in the caffeteria because we have to make up a test 2nd block and I have NO IDEA how to do any of it! *deep breath*
If I wasn't at school I might just break down in tears...again. Yes, I spent the majority of lastnight crying my eyes out because everything seems to go horribly wrong all in one night. Trust me, you don't even want me to start to get into it. So, I'm in Word Proc. and I'm supposed to be doing my work, right? Well I got on here and tried to learn Trig. via the Internet instead. Is it helping much? No, not really. All they're showing is the stuff I already know, or the stuff I don't need to know yet, but not the stuff I don't know that I need to! *ahem* Ok, maybe my teacher will let me go to my math class early so he can explain it to me. Right, and it doesn't help that my math teacher can't teach worth crap. He's just old, that's why. I'm sure when he knew which end was up he was a fine teacher, you can tell he's smart, it just doesn't come out right. And I can't read his writing either... and, and, and... UGH. And he's so condecending, too! He calls us stupid all the time, and I mean, come on, my mom tells me that all the time, I don't need to be hearing it from my teachers, too. Do ya'll really want me to be scarred for life? Grrr... And he'll call us 'hunny' or 'sweetie' in this "I'm a man and I'm older than you so I can call you whatever demeaning pet name I want to" way.
All I want to do is to have my grades good again, and to be home with my friends...actually, right now all I want is to have passed my math test and be sleeping peacefully. (and by pass, I mean get an A. because I need that grade to bring my grade up... gah)
I suppose I've wasted enough time on this thing, but you know, this really helps. I'm a faster typer than I am a writer so this is much easier than getting out my journal and venting. (Although, drawing a cute itty bitty star is much more fun than typing a *... or would that be ...an *? If you were spelling it out, yeah. But what is it if you're NOT spelling it out? hmmm... A *. An asterix. Speakin'a, how do you spell asterix? That can't be right...hmm...)
Ohmigosh, my good new-ish friend Amanda is probably moving in a week and I might never see her again! *cries* She's such a sweetie. She's a senior, and she's a bit strange but absolutely wonderful, and she sits at my lunch table and has befriended all of us... and...*sigh* I don't want her to go. :(
And one of my fish is dying because the other one ate its tail fin so it can't swim and it's just flopping around on the bottom of the tank waiting to die. Poor little thing.
Okay, I'm going to post this up and then try to link my blog through my website...
~Cj

That worked well... so I'm supposed to be studying for a math test I have to makeup tomorrow. And the start of my French I final is tomorrow aswell. I know that I need to study for them because it says so on my hand, and whatever's written on my hand is correct. Don't you ever do that too? Yes, anyway... I'm sure you do. If you don't... then you can just bite me! Sorry, I had a substantial amount of sugar about an hour ago and I've gone from hyper to tired and bitchy. Hmm... so basicly back to normal, then. I have this strange want to be able to go to my blog and see tons of posts. Is that vanity? No, I guess it's kind of like wanting to open your journal up and see that you've written in a lot of pages already. You know, if you write a lot, that must mean you have tons to write about, and you're a terribly interesting person, and so on and so forth. Wow, my back is killing me... Mmmm, right now I could use a warm body to lean against and a nice back rub... Anyway, back from dream world. (guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow for that lovely nonsense...) I probably should be going since no one will want to read this anyway, and I do have better things to do. Not that I want to do them, I just have to. Or, should... (homework... ehhh)
~Cj

So, here I am, creating my own "blog". I've read a couple in the past, while searching for something else completely, and thought they were somewhat interesting. Since I've been keeping a "real life" (there's a real life away from the computer anymore?! madness!) journal for over a year now (actually, I'm on my third one currently), I'm looking forward to the thought of blogging. Am I sure I'll have something interesting to say? No. Will I try to update anyway? Sure. I update my website as much as I can, so I don't see why this thing should be any different. And since I'm online practicly 24/7, I don't have to go out of my way.
I imagine everyone else who blogs is addicted to the net, too, eh? We are a great big circle of people with such little lives that we are able to post every damn thing about them on a blog server, several times a week, if not several times a day. Well, I must say, I'm proud to say I am a part of this large, lovely group. I'm sure it'll be fun.
Now, what can I do on this thing. Hmm.. type... hyperlink.. bold... itallic... wow, that's about it. Basicly just type, then? Well that's cool, maybe they won't block the place on our school server now, that way I can update from computer class and such. Sweet.
I think I'll try to post this now and see what kind of magic happens...
~Cj