The Goddess Blog

Oh, my god! I don't know what to say but, whoa! All the sudden I feel a billion times less "goth" (woe-is-me-I-hate-the-world), and tons more optomistic! I mean, I can't explain how amazing this is. I always have times when I decide that 'oh why not, I guess I love my life', and so I tell myself that I do, but this is probably the first time in a LONG time when I can say that and genuinely mean it! Sorry, I'll calm down. I would be annoyed with me already if I were you. Whoever you are. You must be some sort of friend of mine if you're bothering to read this. Anyway, I'm happy. Can't you tell? It's fantastic. And the terrible thing is, I'm getting my report card probably some time today and then everything's over. My mom's going to be so pissed. But before that totally screws with everything, I'm going to enjoy this amazing mood. If anyone has any suggestions on how to keep a parent from grounding you over grades, besides just hiding the grades from them, or getting them changed, I'm open to anything you have to say. Everything's too new and wonderful and exciting to be locked up in the house away from anything fun. I'm working again at the pool, this past week I made about $20 and a new-used swimsuit that sells for around $60 new. The kids are a freaking handful but so much fun. This is the second time there's been an adorable tiny 3 year old girl that I've fallen completely in love with at the lessons. For those of you who go to the same school system as me, she's Mrs. Dotson's daughter. The great thing about her and the last one I had swim lessons with, Katie, is that they latch on to you and want you to take them out in the sun and usually pretty much refuse to let go unless they're able to sit on the steps. They're both so pretty and adorable and sweet, it makes me get all kinds of maternal feelings and want to have one of my own. As long as it would be a girl for sure then man, that'd be the coolest. But of course, that's out of the question. I'd have have sex to have a kid and I think we all know that can't and will not happen. (see post Sunday, July 06, 2003, 1:23 AM for more information) And you know how teenagers have this fasination with "love" and think they feel it all the time? Well, I'm admittedly a pretty typical teenager. I thought I'd felt it atleast twice before, though I always doubted myself. Do you have any idea how amazing it feels to be sure that you've actually found someone to feel that way for? Maybe I'm wrong, but if I am, then there really is no such thing as the-L-word. I..uh..gosh, someone just tell me to shutup. I really can't understand how you can spend 5 pretty much full days in a row with someone and not be sick of them, and still want to see them again, and adore every minute of it. Baby-doll, if you're reading this, thank you for everything, I don't know what I'd do without you. Please please forgive me for being so sappy, but I love you.
~Cj

Josh~ Since you're more than likely to get on here sometime tonight, and I'm going to bed in a little bit (mom's orders...blah.), I'll write for the hell of it. You know, we still need to play our game of strip-Magic sometime... ;) haha... you think I'm joking, but I do believe it would be lots of fun!! *ahem* Anyway... (maybe not, since I know you can beat me with that new deck of yours :|...) So, you know, not that I don't love being around you, because I do, but it kinda sucks being around you ALL day, and not getting any time alone with you at all. It's like...a teaser, or something. It almost makes me wish I was a whore like uh... some people... so I wouldn't mind if the whole world saw me making out with my boyfriend or not. That'd be cool. But then, on the other hand, I would be a whore, and that wouldn't be so great. Plus it would be REALLY easy to lose friends that way, since people tend to dislike having to watch that stuff.... I should know! Anyway...I don't think I have anything else to say... Except, everyone should go visit my other blog, drownedtheworld.blogspot.com, because it's really dumb, and stupid and stuff!!! Okay...I'm going to bed.. I think... after I set up this thing where you can respond to my blog posts...maybe.. yeah... if you get on, respond to this one for me so I can read it when I get up tomorrow...oh, and don't forget to read the post below this one, babe...
Night. *mwah*
~Cj

I love you too. :)

You know, there are times in your life when you realize that things have to change. And that it sucks, because --in my opinion-- change sucks. But, it must be done anyway.
God, how *hard* it is to MAKE yourself change things! It's painful, and takes work, and determination! Or just some sweet caring loving amazing person to help you through it... Whatever works for ya.
So, I served my week at my "job" teaching the kids how to swim. That was a huge learning experience, and I loved it. All the bad stuff about it was totally countered by the sweetness of the kids, and the sun and the water, and the money.. ;). (Minimum wage is very cool.) Laura had the brilliantest idea, next spring, when she and I are 17, we shall take the Red Cross course to get WSI (Water Safety Instructer) certified, and then next summer she and I will give swimming lessons together! Without an older person to direct us or anything...scary, hu? I hope we get to do it...I hope I pass the course :|... It seems really hard! I'm going to have to learn how to dive :S, and all the different strokes, and, uh, how to go to the bottom of the deep end, and...stuff. Yeah. But Laura says she'll teach me! :)
I layed out in the sun earlier and am feeling a bit dizzy, so I'll end my post here by saying, despite it's horrible downs here and there, life is good. For now, atleast. Let us pray that it stays that way.
~Cj

It's 1:15 in the morning and I can't sleep at all. Terrible thing is, I'm exhausted already from only getting 5 hours of sleep lastnight... I just kept tossing and turning, even moving to the couch hasn't helped. So, this is the last thing I can think of. I don't even have anything to say...
*sigh*
I guess I shall just turn into some zombie that never sleeps....And I really adore sleep, too, so it's a great shame I'm not getting any. Sleep, that is. Not, oh, well, just nevermind....
I shouldn't be on here at all. I have to get up at 7. That's 6 hours from now...UGH...I miss getting 13 hours of sleep a night!!!! *cries*
I've got way too much on my mind...
~Cj

I don't have anything in perticular to post about today...
Here's something personal for you, I'm having REALLY terrible cramps right now, and I would rather be lying on the ground curled up in a little ball with a heating pad, but whatever.
So tomorrow I start my "job", filling in for a friend of mine, being an aide at swim lessons. I'll be working three lessons a day, this Monday through Thursday. All I have to do is keep the kids in line, help get stuff out, show them a couple things to do...Only problem is that I'll have to be in the water. And with the first thing I mentioned going on, oh well, just sh*t, this is so dumb!! OW! God hates me! *sigh*
Alright, I'll quit rambling...You know, I don't even think anyone reads this stupid thing. Why am I writing in it?
Do you think maybe if I eat some chocolate it will go away? Oooooooooohhh I know!! Mommie just bought some Starbucks Mocha thingies!
So...I tried playing Konstantine on the piano again today. And then Fallin', which was dumb and out of key, and oh well.
Lastnight I was really upset about the thing that spurred on my last blog post, so I just started playing the piano, and I went through everything I had out that I knew. Konstantine, Ordinary Day, Paradise, Twilight, Fur Elise, Moonlight Sonata, Waltz of the Flowers, and the first page of Hungarian Rhapsody #2...And I just played them all, and at some parts I played really loud, because I was really angry, and upset, and it felt SO good...
If I don't get any better any time soon I might go do that again. I haven't talked to my baby-doll all day......I didn't talk to him lastnight, either. It's been a while..
I miss him...
Okay, well I'm going to go since I'm just rambling. I started drawing my dumb little Manga (the word for an Anime-style comic) today...it's...well...like I said, it's dumb.
Hopefully the next time I come around to write on here, I'll have something to say.
~Cj

You know, people are such hypocrites. I mean really, if you say something, then for gods sake, mean it!
I guess the one hypocritical thing I can't stand the most is when it comes to sex. First of all, let me say that you can do whatever you want before marriage. I personally think it's dumb and disrespectful to whoever you end up marrying, but this is little virgin girl speaking, so obviously... Yeah, so I hope I'm my future-husband's First. I know for a fact (unless I get raped, god forbid) that he (whoever he is) will be *my* First. But you know what? I'm pretty sure I won't be his first. You know why? Because very little people my age are left, that still have respect for their sexuality. Teenagers are so god-damned horny. I mean, really. They whine and say "oh but it's soooooooo hard to stay a virgin, I mean I know I'm supposed to but I *just* don't think I can wait that long!". So, they don't. The ONLY thing you need to stay a virgin until you are married is A)a strong pride in your self-worth, B)respect for the person you will some day marry, but probably have not met yet, and C)masturbation. (Embarrasing subject? Yes. But come on, you know it's true.)
Now, if you go around preaching that you have what it takes, are one of the few and proud, are waiting until you get married!!, then keep it COMPLETELY in your pants. Seriously, so what if it's "not exactly sex"...It's still a form of it. You're still doing something personal and intimate with someone that you'll probably never speak to after highschool.
If you say, so I want to do that stuff, but I don't want to have sex yet? Well in that case, don't tell me you're waiting until you're married, cause I'm probably going to think you're dumb. You're still a virgin? Then cool, good for you.
Some of the best people out there still are.
Some even better people aren't any more because they fucked up (ha...no pun intended), or maybe they did it on purpose and don't regret it, whatever.
I really don't even know why I'm writing about this on here... probably because it's been on my mind a lot, and if I write it out then maybe, just maybe, the subject will leave me alone.
I started this out preaching, but you know why I really say these things?
Because sometimes I sit up at night thinking, hey, wouldn't it be great if some guy had cared enough about me, before he knew he cared about me, and I wouldn't have to have my thoughts haunted by his past, and the things he did with girls other than me, things that should only be done between you and one other person for the rest of your life... And wouldn't it be nice to get married some day, and go on my honeymoon, and not have to have any terrible thoughts of...He's done this before. It's no big deal for him. This is my first time, this is special for me, this is what I've been saving myself for. And he's already experienced it. With someone else. Someone I probably don't even know. Was she prettier than me? ..Was she better than me? I don't even have a clue what I'm doing and...he does, that's helpful, but, god how much I wish he didn't.
And I'll think about this. It will come up at the strangest times. And it takes ages to go away. And sometimes I bother myself with it for so long, that it makes me so sad, and so confused, and feel so worthless, that I cry.
Just because teenages think they just HAVE to have sex.
And I don't.
So I have to cry instead.
This is my reward for doing the right thing.
God hadn't a clue what he was doing when he made humans, did he?
~Cj